Real World Charlie Kelly

Charlie (who's gained a lot of mass in recent years): I need to lose weight so I'm going to the gym tomorrow for 3 hours me: that's good, but if losing weight is your goal you should focus on your diet Charlie: I know, it's just really hard to not overeat  me: yea I hear you. One thing you can try is to ask yourself whenever you're about to eat something if you're actually hungry. If not, wait until you're hungry, then have a small meal. Then repeat the whole process. Of course this is much easier said than done.  Charlie: interesting...I'll give it a try Next day Charlie calls me around noon Charlie: hey got a question for you me: sure, what's up? Charlie: how do I know when I'm hungry? me:...you don't know when you're hungry? Charlie: yea, I've never gone this long without eating something me: do you feel physical discomfort as a result of not eating? Charlie: no me: then you're not hungry

 Years ago during college after I gave my boss' phone number to Charlie so he could apply for a part-time job at the same employer. me: Charlie, did you call the guy about the job?  Charlie: I did, but he didn't pick up so I'll wait for him to call me back me: what did you say in your voice message? Charlie: what do you mean?  me: ...you left a voice message right?  Charlie: no, but he saw that I called so he'll call me back me: how will he know it's you if you don't leave a message?  Charlie: I'm sure he'll see a missed call and call me back. I'll talk to him then me: are you going to try calling him again? Charlie: nah, I'll just wait for him to call me back He didn't get a callback  A few years later, Charlie applying for a different job me: how did the interview go? Charlie: it went well man, I feel good about it me: that's good Charlie: yea, but the HR person was on my case about not having shaved me: you didn't shave for the int...

me: Did you use my bath towel? Charlie: Yea I needed to dry off after showering me: What the hell Charlie!? Why would you use my towel? Charlie: Come on, it's not a big deal me: That's gross, don't ever use my towel again Charlie: ok, ok A few days later Charlie comes out of the bathroom naked, carrying dirty clothes... me: Charlie you didn't use my towel again did you? Charlie: Don't worry, all good man me: But you don't have a towel on you...so... Charlie: Yea, I just wipe myself with the clothes I was wearing me: seriously, get yourself a towel

Charlie: there's an ant in my bedroom that keeps biting me me: are you sure you don't have bedbugs? Charlie: no, definitely not bedbugs. It might be a spider. me: ...a spider? Charlie: yea, I found spider poop in my apartment

Charlie: is Game of Thrones based on something that happened in history? me: ...what? no Charlie: really? me: there are dragons in the show Charlie: yea but that's like when dinosaurs were around me: you do know that people and dinosaurs didn't coexist right? Charlie: really?

Charlie: the weather's so nice today, we should go for a walk me: I would but I've got a lot of work that I need to get done first Charlie: oh come on, you need some sun. Get your vitamin C me: ...what? Charlie: from the sun me: ... Charlie: I'm just kidding! I know it's not vitamin C me: what is it then? Charlie: um...

Find two cups of coffee on Charlie's desk me: hey Charlie, doubling down on caffeine?  Charlie: yea, but I should cut back on coffee. I've been drinking too much of it recently me: probably not a bad idea Charlie: I'll start drinking milk instead me: ...what?  Charlie: well like you've said before, when you drink too much coffee you build up a tolerance for caffeine, and it doesn't work as well me: I did say that...but why milk?  Charlie: I'm already drinking milk that's in the coffee so I'll just remove the coffee me: why not drink water? 

Me: I don't agree with the notion of  spending all your money of experiences. You should have a balance between spending money on tangible and intangible things. Charlie: Nah, you should spend all your money on tangible things. Spending money on experiences is stupid. Me: Well I don't know about that either Charlie: It's true. Especially spending money on vacations/traveling is a terrible idea. Me: That I definitely don't agree with Charlie: Every time someone goes on a trip they get all excited about it, build it up in their head, then the vacation is never that good, and they're sad when they come back Me: First of all, that's not true for every vacation trip. Second of all, the point of traveling is to get to see and experience things you can't where you live Charlie: Why would you need to go anywhere else? The city we live in has everything you would want to get from other countries. Me: That is definitely not true

Charlie is dressed in a way that was stylish when we were in middle school. me: hey Charlie, you're uh...wearing a button-down shirt without buttoning any of the buttons huh? Charlie: yea I'm stylish like that me: I haven't seen that style in a very long time Charlie: why thank you me: ...that wasn't exactly a compliment

At a company-wide work event Charlie : you know what I should do when I meet new people from work? I should act like we already know each other through email but this is our first time meeting in person. Say something like "heyyy, so nice to finally meet you in person" me : .....why? Charlie : you know, so they feel more comfortable me : but what if you've never talked to them via email? Charlie : I'll fake it, play it off like "oh yea, I sent you a bunch of emails about stuff" me : and what if they then go back and see there's no email communication with you? Charlie : hmm, ok so maybe not me : it's generally a good idea not to lie if you don't have to

(after a run) me: aren't you going to shower? Charlie: no, I showered before we worked out me: ...but you just ran and sweat Charlie: I'm not sweating, it's just perspiration. Can I use some of your cologne?

Charlie: we're here thanks to the dinosaurs me: ...what? Charlie: you know, because the dinosaurs farted me: ...what? Charlie: yea, that's what the scientists are saying. Don't you know, they farted and changed the atmosphere that killed them, then allowed us to come around

Me: (email my team that I'm ordering sandwiches and tell everyone to let me know what they want by 10am or I'm going to order a classic Italian) me: Charlie, did you check your email? Charlie: thanks for letting me know. hahaha busy here. and I dont do pork me: well you might want to tell me what you want then